THE LYMANSVILLE GLEANER ~ “Ferreting Out the Truth Since 1784!”
Dispatches from Lymansville ~ March Edition
GSH ONCE AGAIN CAUSES MISCHIEF AT SPORTING EVENT
As has come to be a regular occurrence when The College of Lymansville Preparatory School (TCOLPS) faces off with Granton Springs High (GSH) in sporting events, the GSH students—once again—caused mischief. At the March 16th basketball game between our own Lymansville Piglets and the GSH Honey Badgers, Dan Demmings (point guard for the Honey Badgers) pushed Persephone Papadapoulous (center for TCOLPS) to the court floor for no apparent reason, leaving referee Nathan Landrieu no choice but to issue a technical foul to Mr. Demmings. Mr. Demmings then cursed at Ref. Landrieu, at which point Ref. Landrieu issued a second technical foul and removed Mr. Demmings from the game. As he left the court, Mr. Demmings was heard complaining about the TCOLPS P.E. Department policy of gender integration in all their sports teams, saying, “This is why girls need to stay in their place. They can’t handle playing serious sports with us guys.” In an interview following the game, TCOLPS Piglets co-coach Val Vischevsky said, “There’s always something nefarious with these Granton Springs kids.” Co-coach Vischevsky’s co-coach, Cy Vischevsky, added, “We stand behind our gender integrated sports teams policy one hundred percent. I’ve informed Coach Miller (coach of the GSH Honey Badgers), that Mr. Demmings is no longer welcome here at our home games. I’ve just had it up to here with all the malarkey. If I had my way, I’d recommend to the regional sports director that they be kicked out of the league entirely.” In a last minute development to this story, deputies Tilda McGregor and Stanley Limpet of LPD told The Gleaner that they discovered Mr. Demmings and some of his teammates shot-gunning a six-pack of light beer while urinating on the dumpsters behind the TCOLPS gym. Deputies McGregor and Limpet returned the boys to Coach Miller and issued citations for the public urination. No arrests were made.
MONTHLY WEATHER IN A NUTSHELL
After a tempestuous and rollercoaster February, Lymansville saw relatively average weather conditions in March. According to Beekman Lipchitz, professor of meteorology at The College of Lymansville (TCOL), “Notably, March was not a noteworthy month—from a meteorological standpoint. We made notations of cold days, cool days, rainy days, and sunny days. It’s worth noting, however, that a month of un-notable weather can often denote systems of notoriety—as we saw three years ago.” Professor Lipchitz is, of course, referring to “The Great August Deluge.” Keep sharp, Lymansvillians, we could be in for a doozy of an April.
WWOL ANNOUNCES WINNERS OF ANNUAL CHILDREN’S CONTEST
Local radio station, Wireless Waves Over Lymansville (WWOL), announced the winners of “When I Grow Up,” its annual contest for kids grades K - 5. Over 90 children from both Miss Betty’s Nursery & Kindergarten and TCOLPS submitted entries expressing what they had planned for the future. In a shocking upset—and for the first time in the contest’s history—first, second, and third prizes were all awarded to kindergarteners, leaving TCOLPS in the dust. First place went to Missouri Magpie Morgan, who wants to “Wear a cape and be the boss of thunderstorms”; second place went to Gerald “Bruce” Mason, whose goal is to be the first Indian-American member of The Rolling Stones; and third place went to Fuller Vásquez, who plans to knit sweaters for otters—but “only for the otter pups—not the grown-ups.” TCOLPS principal, Mr. Marc had this to say, “Clearly the TCOLPS students were given a run for their money. Of course we’re disappointed, but the ambition and aspiration of the incoming 1st grade class is undeniable. We look forward to exciting things from them when they join us next fall.”
CLIMATE CHANGE: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
A Lymansville Gleaner Special Investigative Report
Rising sea levels, hostile weather systems, and volatile temperatures. Glaciers melting like ice cream on an August afternoon and wildfires raging like lost footage from Backdraft. Disastrous droughts and acerbic air pollution, wildlife and ecosystems in a perilous position, and agriculture on the brink. Is the health of humanity almost out of time? The effects of climate change (known in some circles as “Global Warming”) are real, dire, and as Dr. Emilia Cullpepper (head of the new Department of Climate Restoration at the College of Physical Sciences at TCOL) told us, “Scarier than a pissed off crocodile.” But little-known to many outside our little corner of the world, Lymansville has been—and continues to be—on the front lines of fighting this existential threat to our planet. Almost 95% of Lymansvillians utilize the town’s recycling services, maintain their own compost systems (or use Calvin’s Compost Collective), and have installed rain barrels on their properties. According to Josh and Boswell Ogilvie (owners of Ogilvie Heating & Air), over 70% of Lymansville homes and businesses run on energy saving HVAC units; Brighton’s Dairy, Widdle’s Farmstead, and Geoffrey Farms now have dedicated solar panel fields that feed the Lymansville power-grid; and Gin Sweet, ranking member of the recently formed Lymansville Disaster Management Task Force (LDMTF), assures that, “As cranky as Mother Nature’s going to get—and believe me, I don’t begrudge her having her knickers in a twist, what with all the taking for granted and ignorant exploitation—Lymansville is ready.” Keep up the good work, Lymansvillians—we’ve got this!
OBITUARY
Lymansville Bids A Fond Farewell To Simile Morehouse
Lymansville native Simile Jane Morehouse passed peacefully in her home on the morning of March 12th at the age of 87. She was found shortly after breakfast by her nurse Rose Church (known to most in town as “Church”). “She seemed raring to go when I brought her breakfast—her usual: one sunny side up, thick bacon, and cinnamon toast,” Church said. “But when I went back to clear up, she was just shriveled down over her plate like a limp bougainvillea vine—just as dead as a doornail—rest her sweet soul.” According to her grandson Navy, Mrs. Morehouse had suffered an “incident” the week before, but after numerous tests, both Dr. Fleming and Dr. Drummond concluded that Mrs. Morehouse was in perfect health aside from the usual that comes with being, “as old as time.” “Mom and I had talked with her about moving to the rest home in Walksburg in case there was another ‘event’,” Navy said. “I think Nana Simile wasn’t too thrilled about that idea, so she just thought, ‘I’ve lived, I’m done—I’m out.’” Mrs. Morehouse and her husband, David, took over the Morehouse family business (The High Note) 59 years ago, and upon Mr. Morehouse’s death, Mrs. Morehouse passed it on to their daughter, Minki, who now runs the music store with her son, Navy. Mrs. Morehouse also taught music at both TCOLPS and TCOL through the years. “Simile was quite the force and will be missed,” Norman Wilson (current chair of the music department at TCOL) said. “I never saw anyone rock a didgeridoo quite like she did.” Mrs. Morehouse is survived by her daughter and son-in-law, Minki Morehouse and Lund Glover of Lymansville; her son and son-in-law, Handel Morehouse and Jon Tillis-Morehouse of Bedford, NY; and five grandchildren: Navy Glover Morehouse, Simile Jane Morehouse II, Jock Tillis-Morehouse, and twins Ruby and Reid Tillis-Morehouse. The funeral service was held on March 24th at the Lymansville Ecclesiastical Lyceum (LEL) and was officiated by Bess Hinky. Mrs. Morehouse was buried next to her husband at the Lymansville Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, Mrs. Morehouse asked that donations be made to the music department at TCOLPS.