THE LYMANSVILLE GLEANER ~ “Ferreting Out the Truth Since 1784!”
Dispatches from Lymansville ~ April Edition
LYMANSVILLE CELEBRATES FOUNDING
Lymansvillians young and old—once again, and as they annually do—gathered to celebrate Lymansville Day on April 16th. This year, local bands Lit Little and the Lizards and Wee Winkie and the Wonkas were given quite a run for their money by a new group in town, the Round & Round Pebbles—a Rolling Stones cover band formed by TCOL sophomores: Jimena “Flame” Sparks, Rollo Jenkins, Bert Washington, and Roy Gondolier—who earned four encores and brought the crowd to a screaming frenzy. While there were no departures from the customary Lymansville Day menu, there was a refreshing addition to the usual beverage offerings (limeade and “Harland’s Brew”) in the form of Clem Clemson’s Tange-lime-berry soda stand. Al Morgan won the Scullery Pie eating tournament—a first for Mr. Morgan; his wife Kit narrowly walked away with the blue ribbon in the casserole competition for her tuna and fresh green pea casserole, beating out The Gleaner’s own Dale Mason’s broccoli, bacon, and cheese; in a stunning upset, the Vásquez family triumphed in the potato sack racing contest over reigning champions, the Papadapoulous family; and the Dunce was dunked a record total of 237 times. James “Jimmy” Newton Rondy was the Dunce—for the sixth year in row.
WWOL SPRING DRIVE COMMENCES
On April 5th, Wireless Waves Over Lymansville (WWOL) commenced with its annual spring drive. The official launch of the fundraising drive was preceded by a pre-launch fundraising drive and followed by a post-fundraising drive—both, while unofficial, have become time-honored WWOL traditions. “We like to give everyone ample time to get their donations in,” Ham Lowry, station director and host of “Ham in the Morning,” said. “You know, you’ve got your die-hards—who give early; your right-on-timers—who prefer to participate in the official drive; and your scatterbrains—who make it in just under the wire.” Mr. Lowry reported that donations exceeded their expectations and put them well above their projected goal. “It’s always the tote-bags that seal the deal,” he said. WWOL began broadcasting in 1924, and was started by Mr. Lowry’s great-great-grandmother Millicent “Jacks” Lowry, nee Waneek. Support for WWOL comes from listeners like you and is funded in part by endowments from the estate of Diane and Lytton Dunham and the Lymansville News & Cultural Foundation.
A UKULELE STAR IS BORN
On Friday, April 9th, Norman Wilson’s annual “Build a Uke with Norman!” workshop came to a conclusion on South Green in spectacular fashion—though due to the threat of rain, things were touch-and-go right up to the scheduled start time. Thankfully, Mother Nature held off her impending hissy-fit until later in the evening, allowing the workshop attendees to show off their self-constructed ukuleles, as well as their newly honed strumming skills. Accompanied by the TCOLPS sixth-grade madrigal singers, the eight workshop attendees jammed out a roaring rendition of the Creedence Clearwater Revival classic “Bad Moon Rising” with impressive gusto. But the clear star of the show was Phillip “Clem” Clemson, who brought the Green down with a solo in the final verse. “Who knew that at 52, I’d pick up an instrument and have it just click right away? I’m as surprised as anyone,” Mr. Clemson—who holds a degree in Victorian literature and owns Clem’s Market—said after the show, adding, “It’s a pretty righteous feeling.” The workshop lasted five weeks and included beginner ukulele-playing lessons. Refreshments for the event were generously provided by Sweet’s Café.
LYMANSVILLE PREPARES FOR ANNUAL TALENT SHOW
Once again, it’s talent show time in Lymansville. Registration opened on April 18th for the annual event, which will be held at the end of May. Lymansville Talent Show coordinator Titus Packham (director of the community theatre and adjunct theatre professor at TCOL) assures that this year, the show will bigger than ever. “We’ve already had record sign-ups. And judging from the acts, I can tell you that the talents of my fellow Lymansvillians are sweeping in variety.” Mr. Packham then added, with a twinkle in his eye, “I don’t want to spoil any surprises, but I think everyone’s going to be tremendously impressed.” Sign-up sheets are located in Mr. Packham’s office in the fine arts building at TCOL. All are welcome, though Mr. Packham did stress that, “Participants must give themselves proper rehearsal time. It’s not some half court press, folks—this is the big leagues.” The show will be held at the Lymansville Community Playhouse, date TBA.
WEST THOROUGHFARE DEFACED BY VANDALS
Sometime during the wee-hours on the night of April 28th, West Thoroughfare (between Bellamy’s Bakery and Hermes & Electra’s Shoe Repair) was spray-painted with invidious language, and an attempt was made to “fork” South Green. Limb Clackmannan (owner of Limb’s Landscaping) discovered the scene at 7AM when he arrived to give the Greens their weekly mow. “For starters, whoever did this can’t spell,” Mr. Clackmannan said, referring to the graffiti, which read, “LIBERS GO HOME!” “If they were trying to disparage us Lymansvillians, the correct spelling would be ‘l-i-b-b-e-r.’ A ‘liber’ is a phloem—and that just doesn’t make any sense.” Mr. Clackmannan, who earned an MFA in botany from the College of Physical Sciences at TCOL, informed The Gleaner that a phloem, or liber, is a component of the vascular system of plants. “Second, we are home, dumbasses. And third, it was about the lamest forking job I’ve ever seen. I mean, you have to stick the forks in the ground to do any damage for Pete’s sake—not just throw them on the grass.” At a press conference later in the day, Sheriff Sheldon Broadchurch had this to say, “Based on past experiences, we’re pretty clear this was the work of some Granton Springsians. I put in a call to Chief Jessup over there, and—despite having his hands full, as you can imagine—he’s promised to inform me should he come across the scallywags responsible. In the meantime, we’ll be doubling patrols of the Green for the next few nights.” When reached for comment, Current Person in Charge (CPIC) Deb Dunham spoke frankly on the matter. “Granton Springs, unfortunately, seems to churn out a great number of garbage people. While it may not be all of them, those who behave badly should be called out as such—otherwise, we’re condoning said ill behavior. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck and shits all over your lovingly cultivated front lawn like a duck—then it’s probably a duck. I’m sure their tiny-mindedness stems from some sort of misplaced fear, but we just don’t have time for that—find a good therapist and work it out.” Mrs. Dunham then added, “And, really, we’re not that liberal—you can’t spit here in Lymansville, and the punishment is actually quite harsh.” Lyle Macciano (owner of Macciano’s Hardware) graciously agreed to remove the graffiti with his state-of-the-art pressure washing system—at no charge to the town; the plastic forks were collected by the TCOLPS first-graders, under the guidance of their teacher, Mr. Hugh. The mayor of Granton Springs declined The Gleaner’s request for a comment.